


No Wrong Answer

by EldritchSandwich



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Arkham Asylum, Fluffy Sandwich, Gen, Riddles, Short, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EldritchSandwich/pseuds/EldritchSandwich
Summary: Harley Quinn poses a riddle that Edward Nygma can't answer.





	No Wrong Answer

For a moment, the chilly, sparsely appointed day-room of Arkham Asylum was completely silent.

Even those who might have been inclined to ignore the spectacle and get on with their day were quiet, heads down, afraid to intrude on the stillness or on the aura of menace that permeated it. The regular patients, the one whose dangerous mental issues didn't extend to the scale of costumed master criminality, watched out of the corners of their eyes...everyone knew that the so-called "Rogues" were dangerous, not just because of their psychoses or their metahuman powers but because of the weird, incestuous politics of being each other's rivals, allies against the Batman, and whatever else they were on any given day. And since right now none of the Rogues was willing to break the silence, then certainly no one else was going to.

Well, except of course Harley Quinn.

"Well?"

"I'm thinking!"

"Come on now, she answered yours," the Scarecrow said, not even trying to keep the smug smile of his face.

"Pretty fast, too," added Poison Ivy as she stroked said clown's hair and leaned against her shoulder.

The Riddler scowled at them, and Harley just flashed a beatific smile that said she either had no idea how far she was pushing him or just didn't care. He ground his teeth. "It's obviously...a...a purple wagon!"

There was some chuckling from the others, while Ivy just stared him down. "Really. Does a wagon have legs, Eddie?"

The Riddler's jaw clenched. "It...it has axles, which, metaphorically speaking..."

"How many axles does a wagon have, Eddie?" Her smile was as venomous as his glare. He blew a long, slow, seething breath out through his nose, almost like a growl, his teeth grinding.

"Two," he spat, somehow making it sound like a slur.

Harley shrugged, and Ivy smirked. "Well then I guess that's not it, is it?"

Across the table the Mad Hatter's eyes lit up, and he leaned across to whisper in Harley's ear. She immediately started to giggle. "Yep! Exactly! You're pretty quick, Jervis!"

"He is not pretty quick," the Riddler snapped, "I'm pretty quick! The fact that you happened to luck into one sub-moronic riddle that has me momentarily pensive doesn't mean that—"

The bell rang, signalling the end of the afternoon's free time. As the guards stepped in and began to line them up to return to their rooms, the Riddler sent Harley and Ivy an icy scowl. Harley just waved at him.

"It's okay, Eddie, it's not a big deal!"

Fortunately for everyone involved, she and Ivy were too far away to hear his mumbled reply.

* * *

Harley lay on her bare, stiff mattress, trying to sleep but mostly just staring up at the ceiling. She felt itchy, and not just from what she suspected was a not-entirely-legal level of asbestos in said mattress. She needed a thrill: to steal something, or fight a Bat, or even just cuddle up with Ivy after a non-stop weekend of screwing each other's brains out. In short, she needed a change of scenery. Sure, she'd really been trying to be good lately, but then didn't that mean she was due for a little reward? Maybe it was about time to break out again, just for a little bit.

As if conjured up by her idle thoughts, at that exact moment the buzzer outside her door sounded. When she looked up, the heavy automated hatch was drifting open under its own weight. Harley sat up, tilting her head. Was it Ivy? Had she been feeling the same way? Or maybe Mr. J had finally had a change of heart about that whole "You're no use to me anymore, you can rot in Arkham for the rest of your pitiful, meaningless life for all I care" thing! She popped to her feet in excitement even as the blare of the loudspeakers informed her that there had been an unauthorized security event and that any inmates found outside their cells would face maximum blah blah blah and moved towards the door, only to have it wrenched away in a flash of green. Harley grinned: it _was_ Ivy, here to break them out and whisk her off on a romantic...

Wait, no. It was a different kind of green: the kind that had to be stolen back from the personal effects lockup on the way here despite the fact that most people wouldn't think it was the most efficient use of their time.

But then, 'efficient' wasn't really a word people tended to use when talking about the Riddler.

"Oh, hey, Eddie. Is this your breakout? Thanks, I owe ya a milliaaah!" Harley went tumbling as he struck out with his walking stick, forcing her back into her cell and onto her back. He filled the door, an imperious scowl on his face. "Eddie, what the hell!"

"I can't sleep," he ground out between his teeth, brushing his free hand down the line of his suit as if on reflex. "You want me to say it? Fine! You win! Your stupid, simplistic, kindergarten riddle happens to have found the one tiny gap in my encyclopedic intellect, happy? So before I break out of here and visit my wrath upon this city, leaving you to rot in your intellectual inferiority..." He sighed angrily. "Just tell me! What has four wheels, four legs, and a purple tongue but no mouth?"

Harley blinked. "Uh...I dunno."

The Riddler blinked back. "You...don't...but...but it was your riddle! How could you not know?"

Harley shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, well see...I couldn't really think of one, so I just, y'know, made somethin' up."

The Riddler's eye twitched. If not for the bowler, it would have been possible to see the vein in his forehead getting ready to explode. "I...you...I..." Harley jumped back in alarm as he let out a shriek of pain and frustration and pure homicidal rage that it would have put Manbat to shame. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Harley scrambled back, only for his mad lunge toward the door to be interrupted by the sound of tromping boots. "There he is, grab him!" Harley winced as two giant sides of beef in white scrubs slammed into him, knocking him off his feet with a solid thump. As they dragged him to his feet and re-sealed her door behind them, Harley just climbed back into her bunk as high-pitched, frantic screeches of intellectual posturing and sworn vengeance echoed more and more faintly down the halls. She shook her head.

"Jeez, some guys just can't take a joke."


End file.
